To All Incoming Freshman
by Dan
So it begins. You poor high schoolers have arrived at Stony Brook eager and ready for an enjoyable four years of higher education. Well my friends, if you didn't already know, you have been tricked. Tricked and deceived with the rest of us. If you are thinking of coming here, look at the info Stony has mailed to your house. It is all lies. If they say there is something fun to do here, it either isn't really fun or it plain just doesn't exist.
If you are coming to Stony Brook, you might as well know what is in store for you during freshman orientation. Orientation takes place in the summer and the beginning of the fall. I will walk you through my orientation and tell you what you can expect and get away with.
First thing they make you go to is the "Orientation Part One" in the summer. Here they give you placement tests and you get to program your schedule. This orientation, while it wastes your time, is necessary for your first semester. The orientation begins when the "Orientation Leaders" rip you away from your parents. They don't tell you or your parents where or when to meet back. Next thing you know you are being marched silently with other unknowing freshman to a large building (you will later realize this is the library). The prison guards, I mean orientation leaders tell everyone to line up against the wall. At this point you really have no clue as to what is happening. They tell you to fill out a paper. Finally, after waiting a good 10 to 20 minutes, they let you know that you are getting your picture taken for your ID.
The next place they take you is a room for placement tests. Before the tests they talk about the school and how great it is. Here they continue the same propaganda they have been throwing at you since you showed interest in the place. I wish I remembered what they were talking about but at this point I was busy making some friends, and busy beginning my hatred for this place. After the tests, the leaders gather all the new students for the day and bring them to The Auditorium of Lies. Here they repeat more about how great Stony is. The head guidance counselor will begin to tell you how much he loves this place. Soon he turns it over to an orientation leader. She says in her broken English (don't think I have problems with people with accents now, its just that the leaders are morons), and I quote, "I like Stony Brook. Stony Brook has good teams. I like Stony Brook and the classes. I like Stony Brook." Thank you Miss Informative, that told us a whole lot. Do not be afraid to laugh at these people and crack loud jokes. Don't worry, they are too afraid of you hating them and finding out the truth of Stony Brook. Laugh, and laugh loud. Soon enough, the guidance counselors start asking students questions like, "Why are you going here?" It's ok to tell them it's because you didn't get into your top college and Stony Brook was just your fall back school. The look on their faces will be priceless. If you're lucky they will play Stony Brook Jeopardy, and you will get to laugh at the losers who are so happy to win free Stony tee shirts.
Finally, as the day nears the end, you get your placement tests back and begin the hell of scheduling. There will be an old grumpy man who will unwillingly help you with understanding how to schedual. When that is done, they promptly kick you out and let you roam Stony Brook looking for your parents as the sun goes down. And that is the end of part one of orientation.
Part two of orientation is much less grueling. It takes place before classes start in the fall. There may be nothing else to do on campus except orientation, but you are better off not doing what they say for a few reasons. 1- No matter how much they threaten you, they aren't going to do anything if you don't listen to them. 2- You should get used to having nothing to do at Stony Brook and having to find interesting things on your own. If orientation were like that, people would be much better prepared for their time here. 3- Orientation, no matter what they say, is a complete waste of time. Don't think you will get anything useful out of it.
With that being said, lets look at what happens during "Orientation Part Two." One of the good things about orientation is the food. They will pre-remove points from your meal plan for it, but it is all you can eat (well not really but who's stopping you from seconds?). They will do whatever they can to make you go to the student convocation, which is the biggest load of crap ever. This is where they threaten you the most if you don't go. Go if you want, it will be the only time you will see Shirley Strum Kenny, the dictator of Stony Brook. I actually stayed at mine for a bit. Some woman was rambling on how she came to America in a cargo crate or something. Who knows it may be funny to see what's going on in there. Lastly the school will have little workshops and seminars about school. Once again, it's a waste of your time, and you don't have to go.
This was how I remembered my orientation. The tips from me are the same I got from older friends who had orientation. The school may have changed how they do things; they may have made things better or worse. But the truth remains as it always has:
STONY BROOK SUCKS!
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